Ant Timpson { Filmhead }

TOP FIVES - FROM THE OLD FESTIVAL DAYS TIL NOW

TOP 5 AUCKLAND CINEMAS FROM THE 70s

  1. CRYSTAL PALACE
  2. ASTOR
  3. CINEMARAMA
  4. CENTRUY
  5. PLAZA

TOP 5 PROJECTION PROBS

  1. BOARDING HOUSE, ten minute break off the platter. Houselights never came on - so the audience started chanting the killers breathing refrain.

  2. VOODOO BLACK EXORCIST. The brittle print made it all the way to the fiery climax but then proceeded to snap every 10 feet. Eventually the final 45s could not even screen. So it was quickly acted out on stage.

  3. THE CANDY SNATCHERS, faded and brittle print broke 12 times in a row but the audience held in there such was the power of that grindhouse gem.

  4. UP!, a buckled print meant that this pic wobbled throughout and a constant manual focus had to happen.

  5. ZARDOZ the crowd were loving this when all hell broke loose in the booth, suddenly the platter stopped working and a manual system was setup. Badly. Suddenly thousands of feet of film spilled out onto the floor.

TOP 5 IN-HOUSE HIJINX

  1. The five foot giant spider rigged on a pulley above the audience and dangle over inched away from their heads during the “giant spider attack” sequence in CAT WOMAN OF THE MOON. (The 30 patrons in attendance seemed to enjoy it!)

  2. The 20-foot tall tentacles attacking the patrons from all angles during the “tentacle attack” sequence of INFRA-MAN.

  3. The bubble machine and Robot Monster walking into the cinema and dragging off a screaming female (svelte bikini clad 95BFM babe Jennifer Weathercentre) during a screening of the legendary ROBOT MONSTER.

  4. The attack by mixed up zombies during CREATURES THAT STOPPED LIVING etc – resulted in one broken thumb and lots of scraped knees.

  5. The stuff meat into a condom contest to create porn legend John Holmes schlong

TOP 5 LEGENDARY SCREENINGS

  1. LET ME DIE A WOMAN...the first screening was a jaw-dropper and the audience riffed on the film and threw some pearlers at the screen. Most memorable was the chorus of monkey shrieks, which broke out when the hairy backed john had sex with a transsexual hooker on screen. Barf bags, nurses, horror horns, floating condoms... amazing.

  2. LEGEND OF THE WOLF WOMAN... at the Civic, sound is warbling... someone asks the torch monkey on the doors (with his walkie-talkie volume way too loud) to alert the projectionist...silence: there’s a thirty foot werewolf woman dancing onscreen...the torch monkey utters the priceless line loudly into his walkie talked “Uh...there’s something wrong with the movie...” Audience cracks up.

  3. The last twenty minutes of DRUNKEN MASTER, the exhilarating fight in the factory when Jackie Chan goes head to toe with his real life bodyguard Ken (“The Foot”) Ho. This sequence never failed to bring the house down and the buzz in the air upon exit was palpable.

  4. The bloody fight that broke out after HATED which ended with broken bottles and lots of blood in the foyer.

  5. MANOS HANDS OF FATE – first screening. Unforgettable.

TOP 5 AUDIENCE WALKOUTS

  1. The paraplegic and his two friends who complained about Russ Meyers UP! (“We didn’t expect anything like THAT!”) after suffering through an hour of the film.

  2. the two spotty teens who wanted a refund for sitting through DOUBLE AGENT 73 because “...it was “crap!” ISFF staff member response as quoted from official complaints log book “ Did you read the guide? The plot concerns Chesty Morgan, a secret agent with a spy camera implanted into her 73DD inch breast to uncover criminals flooding the U.S. with heroin, what she doesn’t realise is that the camera is set to explode by a certain date. Refund? uh-DUH! “

  3. The hordes that walked out of the finale torture sequence of AUDITION.

  4. The young Goth who staggered out of STORY OF RICKY (after the stomach churning scene in which Ricky strangles an opponent with his own intestine), puked, then lay on the floor till his buddies rescued him.

  5. Film critic Steven Gray fainting down the stairs at back of Chinatown during IN MY SKIN.

TOP 5 PUBLICITY STUNTS

  1. the Nurse handing out free barf bags to patrons entering LET ME DIE A WOMAN (“for motion picture sickness”) The horror horn sounded during the icky bits of LET ME DIE A WOMAN (“for those of a squeamish nature, the sound of the horn warns you to avert your gaze from the screen...”). The condoms that floated and turned into a volleyball game during the film.

  2. The self-imposed R21 rating for the Hong Kong splatter-fu prisoner flick STORY OF RICKY. According to the press ads “The Chief Censor has rated this film R18, however I, Festival Director disagree with this decision and have decided to rate this film as more suitable for those 21 years of age and older due to it’s intense graphic nature”.

  3. 1994... driving up and down Auckland’s Queen Street with a barker announcing the fest into a megaphone, towing a cage containing a rampaging ROBOT MONSTER, who would periodically break out and run into the baffled public handing out flyers.

  4. 1999.. The year the NZ herald published the legendary letter from Laurence Buchanan, a patriotic New Zealander who bemoaned the lack of morals that the ISFF represented. The NZ Herald even supplied a hilarious cartoon showing Fest Director getting flogged on camera! Larry Buchanan was the director of ZONTAR THE THING FROM VENUS, which played that year.

    1. Burning PHANTOM MENACE toys during a press conference to illustrate the banality of the blockbuster mentality. The shampoo Darth Maul really stunk like shit when it melted.

Also rans.. the Al Adamson 60 Minutes Story, The Holmes Story, The Fest Guides being banned, Candy Snatchers found in a coffin story.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY THE B.I.F.F. CREW WILL NEVER VISIT CHRISTCHURCH EVER AGAIN.

  1. Norman Bates type Hotel owner who peeked through our window while we were crashed on floors and beds and screamed ‘homosexuals’ at us and then ran away. Only to knock on our door later and pretend nothing had happened.

  2. Mike and Stu wandering into a gang headquarters to request a favour only to leave hurriedly and walk fast towards Ant who was already gunning the car – Mike ended up getting clocked with a full face punch, went down, then got up quickly and jumped into car, then entailed a high speed chase throughout the city. As this was Stu's home town we thought his navigation would be superb. He directed us down a dead end st with gang on motorbikes right behind.

  3. Every student disappeared from town for some agriculture festival to watch cows take dumps. Downtown CHCH - a fucking Ghost World.

  4. The feeling of dread in the town. We expected to arrive to fanfare and felt like escapees from an asylum. Bad mojo everywhere.

  5. Being stuck there for five days and wanting to leave after 2 hours.

TOP 5 OPENING NIGHT FEST DISASTERS

  1. Christchurch, see: REASONS WHY THE B.I.F.F. CREW WILL NEVER TRAVEL TO CHRISTCHURCH EVER AGAIN.

  2. Hamilton, opening night in a multiplex in a shopping mall. Tried to get atmosphere by having a band play in the foyer and give away booze. Management pulled the plug on the band after two songs because the patron watching THE ENGLISH PATIENT complained. Back to the motel: drinking, tears.

  3. 1998, the St James Auckland. AT Timpson’s welcoming speech was meant to culminate in his being assassinated by a gunman in the wings.... the blood squibs were incompetently rigged, draining the impact of the bloodbath finale. Fierce words backstage with internationally renowned fx-artist whose incompetence blew it. He leaves in tears, banished with no payment.

  4. An ape (ala Kubrick’s 2001) discovers a diving helmet and tosses it up in air, lands on head becomes Robot Monster. All good. But then many apes dance to disco version of 2001 for four loooooooooong minutes. Excruciating. AT with no glasses, ape mask and helmet, totally blind runs into screen and falls over.

  5. Chris Stapp doing live foley, stabs lettuce (for short SQUEAM) sound effect and knife goes right through his hand!

Top 5 Killer Kid Movies

  1. The Omen
  2. Devil Times Five
  3. Joshua
  4. The Children
  5. Bad Ronald

Top 70s Show Theme Songs

  1. Bonanza
  2. Streets of San Francisco
  3. Rockford Files
  4. High Chapparel
  5. Six Million Dollar Man

Films we would play if a print existed

  1. R.O.T.O.R
  2. Furious
  3. Black Devil Doll From Hell
  4. Death Drug
  5. Woodchipper Massacre

Film Fest Legends

  1. Ben Harrop For organizing a highland band for our Braveheart opening in one day!
  2. Steve Sinkovich For editing like a maniac up to the last minute every year.
  3. Brett Garten For arriving from Sydney, looking like John Holmes with an 8-foot penis and scaring all the women at the post-opening party.
  4. George Port For coming through with FX for opening night shorts.
  5. John Sheils For making a 35mm trailer with CGI for us in one day.

Jaw-dropping Fest Moments

  1. The wood-plane in the face in STORY OF RICKY
  2. Sex change operation from LET ME DIE A WOMAN
  3. The LOVE WITCH Trailer
  4. Anomalies
  5. SINFUL DWARF (Wellington) Live Show: Viggo Mortensen said it was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen.

Awesome Projectionists

  1. Lindsay Amos (For sleeping in the cinema)
  2. Snoop Dougie-Doug (All round nice guy)
  3. Capital City Dave (Comes through in the crunch)
  4. Jim 'n' Welly (Is he human!)
  5. Bryce at Civic

Reasons Why the IFF is the Best NZ Film Festival

  1. The Closing Night Marathon
  2. The Trailer Compilations
  3. Opening Night Events
  4. Quality control during Festival
  5. Free Beer

Favourite Cartoons

  1. Deputy Droopy
  2. Donald Duck Fire Chief
  3. Old Man of the Mountain
  4. Mindscape
  5. Red Scream (Jesus Mike! - Ed.)

Lamest Excuses by Projectionists

  1. "This amp never goes past 5."
  2. "The optical soundtrack has shrunk."
  3. "These are just old films mate; sound is always bad."
  4. "From this distance of throw its impossible to get focus."
  5. "It's a brittle print."

Films That Surprised by Being Popular

  1. Gums
  2. The Devil At Your Heels
  3. Future Cops
  4. Let Me Die A Woman
  5. Vampyres

Films That Never Found an Audience

  1. Secrets of the Shadow World
  2. Zontar
  3. Psychopath
  4. Young and Dangerous
  5. Flesh Feast

Top 5 Films with CGI Overload

  1. Godzilla
  2. Little Nicky
  3. Phantom Menace
  4. What Dreams May Come
  5. Armageddon

Strangest Patrons

  1. Skater dude who wiped his hands under his bare armpits before handling most of the won-tons AT was serving as Anthony Wong from UNTOLD STORY.
  2. AT himself for dressing in drag as Glen or Glenda and drinking too much tequila and vomiting over his cashmere sweater (year one).
  3. Fat Guy caught on Nightvision camera eating boogers (actually this guy's nickname became Nightvision).
  4. Guy caught masturbating during PETS on a Saturday afternoon.
  5. Cellphone guy. Holds imaginary conversations with his cellphone that is never switched on.

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

  1. Who stole the prints of INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS and DEATH GAME?
  2. Who climbed into the ceiling of the Chinatown and did $10,000 damage and left AT running from the restaurant guys with the meat cleavers next to the cinema?
  3. Who stole the drugs at the Wellington opening?
  4. Who wrecked the make-up room at the Paramount?
  5. Who spooged into a tissue during the trailer compilation?

Reasons for Not Owning a License

  1. Photos make you look like a serial killer
  2. Government has digital ID of you
  3. Doesn't help you actually drive any better
  4. Costs too much
  5. NZ Drivers

Complaints About Auckland by Wellingtonians

  1. Traffic
  2. Rude People
  3. Arrogance
  4. Humid
  5. No Culture

Cigarette Brands

  1. Dunhill Blue
  2. Marlboro Lights
  3. Holiday Menthol
  4. PJ 50s
  5. Death Cigarettes

Top 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger lines

  1. I let him go.
  2. Consider that a divorce.
  3. You're a farmer, here's a couple of acres.
  4. To be or not to be; I guess not to be.
  5. Let off some steam, Bennett.

Bad NZ Films

  1. Chicken
  2. Channelling Baby
  3. The Lunatics' Ball
  4. Send A Gorilla
  5. Queen City Rocker

Worst Kiwi TV

  1. Porkies
  2. Life and Times of Tutu
  3. Melody Rules
  4. Radio Wa Whaha
  5. Willy Nilly

Celebrity Spotting at Fest

  1. Viggo Mortenson at THE SINFUL DWARF
  2. Tony Todd at THE CANDY SNATCHERS
  3. Lee Tamahori at AUDITION
  4. Vincent Ward at IN CHINA THEY EAT DOGS
  5. Bruce Campbell and Ted Raimi at quite a few.

Porn Legends

  1. John Holmes
  2. Seka
  3. Long Jean Silver
  4. John Leslie
  5. Tracy Lords

Festival Director Fuck-Ups

  1. Cancelling those IN CHINA THEY EAT DOG sessions.
  2. Forgetting to classify a violent western.
  3. Losing the payroll in a film canister.
  4. Reels run in wrong order during Blaxploitation flick.
  5. Ordering a bottle of tequila for every 5 people attending for the opening night in 1994.

Weird Fest Moments

  1. The simultaneous fainting, epileptic fit and walkouts during AUDITION.
  2. The 10 minute blackout during BOARDING HOUSE where crowd started imitating the 'breathing'.
  3. Naked guys running in the cinema during NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.
  4. Running outside Parliament with a roaring chainsaw as LEATHERFACE.
  5. Wearing Hitler costumes downtown.

Top 5 Alec Baldwin roles

  1. Miami Blues
  2. Glengarry Glen Ross
  3. Malice
  4. The Edge
  5. Talk Radio

Opening Night Gags in Poor Taste

  1. Commemorating Stanley Kubrick's death by throwing a skeleton in the air, St James, Auckland 1999.
  2. Having a Dr. Morgan Fahey look-alike judge a competition in handcuffs after he'd been sent to prison for fondling female patients. Paramount Wellington 2001.
  3. Protesting against another film festival by picketing the cinema, forcing jaded hack journos to walk the gauntlet of jeering during their official media premiere. Paramount, Wellington 1999.
  4. Implying that Sir Peter Jackson was not only a portly nerd, but also a serial killer intent on winning an Oscar, as portrayed in SCREAM satire, SQUEAM. (Can't anyone in Wellington take a joke?) Paramount Wellington 1997.
  5. Neglecting to inform the guest MC from the McGillycuddy Serious Party that he was going to get beaten about the face by a schoolgirl wielding a handbag a la HEAVENLY CREATURES. St James Christchurch 1995.

Top 5 Disaster Films

  1. Poseidon Adventure
  2. Threads
  3. Airport 77
  4. Miracle Mile
  5. Titanic

Cinema Formats

  1. Natural Vision
  2. Cinemascope
  3. 70mm
  4. Todd AO
  5. Cinema 180

Seminal Pop Videos

  1. Cry by Godley and Creme
  2. Sabotage by Beastie Boys
  3. Black or White by Michael Jackson
  4. The Chemical Bros one with multi-views